Serotonin and Oxytocin

[composed Sunday night]

I was texting with a friend today about January. I have these moments of energy and optimism, I said, but then it’s back to blah. For instance, leaving work in the evening, walking east down Market Street, and realizing that despite the cold, it’s still light out, a pretty, purply twilight — that’s invigorating. Waking up the other morning and realizing the worst part of my cold was over, feeling normal again — that’s a lovely little high. Looking out the kitchen window at pine trees against a crisp pink 7 a.m. sky, drinking coffee, warming my heinie by the radiator… In those moments I feel like spring is in shouting distance and that the winter isn’t so bad.

But yesterday felt blah. I wanted to feel all pepped up — it’s Saturday! I’m not sick anymore — but it was very cold and windy and mostly cloudy and there just wasn’t anything exciting going on.

Still… I got a lot done and I somehow avoided having to take anyone anywhere or to take the dog out. I took an inventory of the food we have and created a rough meal plan for the next 10 days (til payday). I made French toast for lunch, with some challah bread. For dinner, I got out the Instant Pot and cooked some frozen pork shoulder, served on leftover brioche buns. The side dish was mashed potatoes, made with heavy cream from the freezer. The goal is to buy only a few, highly targeted groceries in order to make all the meals in the meal plan, in order to spend less at the grocery store and make efficient use of the food we already have.

This morning was sunny and it went up to 40 degrees. I had a nice walk with Rocco in the afternoon. In the morning, I made gravy so we can have spaghetti for dinner tomorrow. I had meatball mix and about 16 oz of pureed garden tomatoes in the freezer, as well as plenty of canned tomato sauce and paste. Then it was off to Acme to get those targeted groceries. I spent $102 on things like milk, orange juice, a whole chicken that I’m going to roast, a loaf of Italian bread, pickles, turkey lunchmeat, and a big bag of cat food. I scored some brownies in the bakery markdown section for $2. For tonight’s football playoff game dinner, I bought chips, taquitos and chicken nuggets, thinking that would at least be better than ordering food like we probably would otherwise. I turned half of the Italian bread into cheesy garlic bread using shredded mozzarella from the freezer. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. It wasn’t exactly the festive spread I envisioned, but oh well.

I wanted to bake something today (I have a working oven again), but that just didn’t happen. Maybe one night this week.

Some small wins:

• I trimmed my own hair and it feels better to me, though I will still need a real haircut soon.
• I’ve been eating my way through all the frozen bread in my freezer rather than buy new bread.
• I canceled several subscriptions: Amazon Prime, Apple Music, Hulu with live TV (which had climbed to almost $90/month), and Max with ads (which we got just for one show). It’s my husband who initiated all of them, so my current stance is that he can pay for them if he wants them. None of the rest of us need any of them.
• Current loss, soon to be win?: The State of New Jersey tried to say I was late in sending in my ANCHOR property tax rebate application. I immediately sat down and fired off a response (according to their own instructions, I was NOT late). We’ll see if I get anywhere with them.

I have been having dream after dream about having a baby. Like three dreams just this past week. I think it’s because one of the women I follow on Instagram just had a baby (her NINTH) and has been posting pictures of her cuddling with both the baby and her second-youngest, who looks to be 18 months.The oxytocin must be flowing. Then F. and I ended up snuggling and watching Extreme Home Makeover last night, and after she went upstairs, I fell asleep on the couch remembering snuggle times with each of my babies, in the hospital and in those first few weeks. (But no baby dream after that — go figure.)

Wish me luck that I can stick to the meal plan during this week…